I write because I think, perhaps,
That my heart is a fractal –
A small reflection of a larger pattern.
And I think, perhaps,
That larger pattern dances
When I do.
Oh Holy One,
I am lost in the wilderness.
I cannot see your hand or sense your presence.
My faith is hanging by a thread.
Yet, I desperately want to believe.
Where is my anchor if you are not there?
Where is my hope?
How can I take even one more step?
I take the next step because of beauty –
How it calls to me when it lines up into a resonant whole;
How the pieces answer one another in harmony,
How its fractal presence unites the big and small.
I take the next step because of love –
Because my heart calls to you and is not satisfied until you answer
Because there is a hole that can be filled with nothing else
And so, I must believe, or else I die.
I take the next step because of hope –
And somehow I know that hope is born of you.
It is your continued call, your whisper of promise,
That urges my soul forward.
And, though I stumble,
Somehow, I fall into your arms.
You came to the wilderness before me
And wait to catch me, even here.
My faith is less a conviction, grasped tightly
And more the whisper of grace resting lightly on my open palm.
It is not something I accomplish or hold on to;
It is a sweet gift continually opening itself in my heart.
My heart is opened in return.
It is not so much ‘my’ faith
As it is your assurance deep within me,
Singing a lullaby of love
That bids me rest my soul in you.
And when I do,
Flows beyond the boundaries of my being
Into my small corner of the world.
I have faith in you
(when I am within you).
You have faith in me.
(You placed it there.
It will not be contained.)
There is a set of words that seem to vibrate between noun and verb –
Even when you place an article in front of them
They won’t stand still.
You cannot pin them to the page.
They want to dance.
You can’t point to them… and yet you know they are there.
They are not just a thing… or an action.
They play my ribs like a piano.
They evoke being –
Evoke it in me … and in the world
And that changes everything,
Or, at least, it could.
I believe that God is love, that love is the path and goal,
That Jesus brought it close and made it more clearly visible,
That the Holy Spirit stirs it up within us and among us,
That community is the place it is practiced and grown,
That it is stronger than hate and stronger than death.
There is a hole in my soul that needs filling.
Stuffing it with newspaper just won’t do.
Neither will ignoring it, or just walking around it.
The hole is a wound,
Not from the slash of a blade,
But from the steady friction of the world.
I need the salve of your hope.
I need the wisdom of the great physician.
I need … you.
Oh, my little one, you have me.
Always and forever.
I am before and beyond.
I am within and throughout.
I breathe inside your breath
And leave the dusting of my presence
Wherever you are.
The trick (though it is no trick)
Is to be there. Fully there.
Fully embodied; fully infused.
This reality is already yours.
Now, before you retire.
Now, before you even start your day.
I am yours and you are mine.
That is true regardless.
But when you open to that truth
That is the magical moment (though it is not magic);
That is when your heart quickens with the breath of hope.
That is when wisdom invades your words
And grace flows from your touch
When you become the conduit of my love.
Oh, Holy One,
I long for this to be true.
It seems I always stand on that precipice of longing
But I lack the courage to fall into that reality.
So, year after year, I come to the very edge of promise
And turn to go without fully embracing its truth.
I leave the blessing for the busyness of my days.
I postpone your call, to answer the phone.
Pick up the phone.
That’s me on the other end.
You can answer my call in that conversation.
Trust – it comes with action.
Doubt is just the mud on your shoes.
Keep walking – it will be worn away.