Which Will You Hold?

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hand of comfort (1)In the cottage, I am sitting on the edge of the bed, one sock on, one sock off, halfway through getting dressed, caught mid-thought, mid-action, in suspended animation. Seems I am always getting ready and never really getting things done – never there, always on the way.

“That’s what life is – the way.” The voice comes from a traveler, seated at my table. Brown woolen robe, gnarled staff, rope belt, craggy face and hands; this one has been on the way for quite a while.

I drop the second sock beside the bed and move to sit beside him at the table. “Give me your wisdom, traveler,” I ask. “Help me to know the next step. Help me to not be so afraid of what might come. Help me to not be so distracted in my journey.”

He places his large hands over mine, so that I must, for just a moment hold them still, I must stop drumming my fingers, must stop picking at the table. He just covers my hands with his warmth and waits. A long silence, at first comforting and then a bit awkward, ensues. Finally I pull my hands out from under his and rub them together. “Shouldn’t we be going?” I ask.

The traveler smiles, “Going where?”

“On down the road, on with our projects, with our duties, for the day,” I reply. “Can’t wait forever, you know and I’m rather far behind already.”

“Behind what?”

“Behind in my schedule… the things I must get done… I am behind.”

“But where are you going?” He asks again. He has made no move to get up, to begin the day. His whole frame seems immobile. Not dead, not resistant, but not filled with the urgency that I feel in me. “Where are you going?” He asks me one more time.

I look at him with a question in my eyes. “I’m not sure… But don’t you think that we should get started?”

“Not till we know where to go,” he is almost laughing at me. He shakes his head.

I can see how silly this looks, but even so, I am getting farther behind, and if I don’t know the end, I do have a list a mile long that is supposed to be done by now. Surely we can start there and sort it out as we go along. “Must we wait longer?” I plead. “I am late already on so many chores.”

“How do you know you are late?”

“My schedule was set out long ago and I am behind. My energy is running out before my task is done, my time is moving forward and the projects are not moving nearly so fast. How could I not be behind?”

“Depends on the clock you use. Depends on whose calendar is there in front of you.”

“Don’t you understand? I have screwed up. My list is long and getting longer. I am behind, I am lost, I am desperate…”

He puts his large hands back on top of mine once more. He has to hold them down firmly.   I fidget still. At last he picks up my hands in his and pulls them towards him and looks me directly in the eyes.

“My time, not yours. Live in my time.” He is very serious. His playfulness has passed and this is a solid, unshakable command.

My eyes fill with tears. “I wish I could,” I stutter.

He jerks my hands. “Don’t wish. Don’t put me off. You must follow my time. There is no other way.”

“But how?” I whimper.

“Stop crumbling.” He scolds. “Defeat is in your hands, but so is victory. Why do you pick defeat?”

“I see no other choice. How do I grasp victory?”

He turns my hands over and so that they point to the ceiling and form a small cup. “You don’t grasp victory. You receive it.”

My heart starts to argue, but its words go unformed. A pure clear light shines down from the ceiling of the cabin and lands squarely within my cupped hands. I can almost see images being formed within its glow, but cannot quite make out what they are. Then, as if the light is also water, it fills my hands to overflowing. It puddles on the table and begins to run along its surface like a small stream.

Then, just as quickly, the scene is transformed. I am beside the stream, beside a basin like cupped hands and he, the traveler, is beside me. A small raft is moored on the edge of the basin beside us, and the stream has grown now to a river, the basin to a pool. We step aboard the raft and he pushes us out into the middle of the river with his staff.

“Don’t give up yet.” He whispers, “Ride with me.”

“Ok.” That is all I know to say.

He grasps my hand. “Ok, then.”

We ride the stream together.

1/31/97

[image modified from photo by Bob Travis per cc 2.0]

 

Thanks for intentional mothering

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mother's hug

Your lullaby is the secret melody of my soul
Singing me through the night
And into the arms of God.

Your whispered prayers,
The ladders to heaven
Where angels come close enough to touch.

Your eyes,
A mirror of my very self
Framed in love – reflecting only beauty.

Your arms,
A ready haven, melting hurt
Into a puddle of love.

For these gifts of intentional mothering,
I am so very grateful –
They gird my soul with grace.

[image cropped from photo by Maria Grazia Montagnari per cc 2.0]

 

the way out of quandary

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clearing the fog

Do you every find yourself wishing, hoping, praying
That you could figure out just what you should do
With this one precious life you have been given?

Do you ever, like me, feel as if you are lost in a fog,
Discouraged and distracted because you cannot see the next step?

You wonder what you should do.
You look for a path, or for a project.
But the fog clouds your vision and your heart.
And so, you stop and sigh,
And you take in a deep breath, preparing for another sigh.

And, surprisingly that intake of breath is an intake of hope.
You find within your lungs, the fresh whisper of God’s spirit.
You hold it within you for a moment,
And then you breathe it out into the fog.
And pause to see what it might do.

And for several moments you continue that cycle, over and over –
Breathe in the hope
Hold the wonder
Breathe out a blessing
Rejoice in its grace.

Breathe in the hope
Hold the wonder
Breathe out a blessing
Rejoice in its grace.

Breathe in the hope
Hold the wonder
Breathe out a blessing
Rejoice in its grace.

It becomes a wordless prayer.
Repeated with growing joy
Which takes root quietly within your soul
And lifts the fog, just a bit.

Breathe in the hope
Hold the wonder
Breathe out a blessing
Rejoice in its grace.

As the wisps of fog begin to clear
Within your heart
You find, to your surprise,
That there are, indeed, things you know to do.
They are not grand projects or torturous paths to take.
They are kindnesses offered and small tasks accomplished.
They lighten the load for those nearby.

There may be big things for another day.
But today, today, is well spent in kindness.
Those small things that come your way
Are bigger than you think.
And can help to clear the fog.

Today I breath.
I take in your hope
And hold it quietly within my soul.
I breathe out your blessing
And let it do its work.

I think, for just a moment,
That I have found what I should do
With this one day I have been given.

And I smile.
We smile.

Thank you.
Amen.

[image by Jan per cc 2.0]

A Full Circle of Grace

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circle of graceHoly One,
Lift my heart from fog
Lift my life from shadows
And touch me with your sun.

You do.
You lift me and I am glad.
You hold me and my heart rejoices.
You kiss my head and peace anoints my soul

Your holy gift,
My joy at receiving,
These complete for just a moment
A full circle of grace.

Amen

9-7-01

[photo by chocolatsombre per cc 2.0]

the aspen temple

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aspen grove

We learn to praise God not by paying compliments, but by paying attention. Watch how the trees exult when the wind is in them. Mark the utter stillness of the great blue heron in the swamp. Listen to the sound of the rain. Learn how to say “Hallelujah” from the ones who say it right. – Frederick Buechner

 

I walk down the hill to a shimmering grove of aspen, whose leaves dance together with each breeze, whose very trunks seem to sway in reverent unison, humming in silent tones a melody of wonder.

I step inside the grove. Even the air is different here. It is a crystal essence through which I walk, almost touchable, caressing me like water in a cool steam. The trees have formed a temple, more holy, more pure than any that could be made by human hands. The trunks of the great trees form living columns and the canopy of dancing leaves become the roof. The ground, the floor of this living temple, is a patterned tapestry of grasses, growing lush and resilient, too much for the shady space within a wood. Fed by the crystal air and held in harmony by the holiness of the place, the grassy floor spreads forth its beauty.

I stand at the edge of this temple of trees, full of wonder, drinking in with every breath a little of the essence that makes the very air glow. I am filled with worship, with praise, with wonder at the majesty and grace of God, with this perfect harmony, the almost crushing presence in each leaf and blade. The whole earth trembles, barely able to hold the essence that has poured itself into this form. The God of all creation, the God of each blade of grass, the God who formed my very soul – this God inhabits this place in a way that is more real than I have yet seen. Here worship is not an obligation, it is the overflow of wonder too big to be contained within such a small space as one’s own heart.

I drop to my knees – not in shame or even humility — for the glory of the place has driven out all preoccupation with self. I drop to the ground because I am overwhelmed with — what words are there? – more awesome than joy and not so selfish as gratitude, I am wrapped with an all encompassing love. It calls me into being; a being beyond who I could ever hope to be. It calls not for duty, not for obligation, but for creation itself.

Even worship is not a gift I give, but a gift to me. I never knew.

What can I give to the One who has created all? Only that which has already been given to me – and which I can withhold or offer, as if I, myself, had made it. I give my heart, and in the giving, I participate in its creation – in its recreation.

In this crystal moment, the Holy One reaches down into this temple of trees and lifts me to herself, hugs me to her own heart. There my heart is bound with hers and beats in timid rhythm with her own.

Oh majestic wonder, I feel it still, quietly beating inside me as I begin my day.

1/18/95

[photo by Rob Lee per cc 2.0]

Rainsoaked

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rain soaked
The coat my consciousness wears in the rain
Is not really waterproof.
It catches the drops and holds them,
Growing darker,
Melding the edges of what I think I know
With a commentary that can enrich or destroy.

Sometimes the rain beats hard,
Sending pellets of ice into my heart,
Telling me that my words take up more room
Than they deserve.

And I believe it.
In fact, it is often my own thoughts that bring the rain.

The wisdom to know when –
When to amend
And when to keep to my own messy vision –
That wisdom often evades me
And I am left with a simple choice:
Say it anyway or keep quiet.

To say it anyway exposes me to the rain.
It demands that I dance within the storm.
It offers to cleanse me
But the scrubbing often hurts.
And parts of what I say will – should – wash away.
Leaving a fresher insight than before.
That which remains is strengthened.

It may even be that I don’t know what I’ve said
Until it rains.

I look up.
The rain is mixed with tears on my upturned face.
And I reach for my words, once more.
It is all that I can do.

[photo by Special per cc 2.0]

Tthanks to Maria Popova and Anne Lamott for the seeds of this reflection, here.]

Simple gifts

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'tis a gift to be simple‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.
– Joseph Brackett (sung by Jewel)

Holy One
I walk the distance in my soul
The distance from distracted to quiet
The distance from scattered to whole
The distance from me to you.

Too often I forget that you are there
That you already surround and embrace me
That turning, turning,
Places me in your arms, in your quiet
In your delight – and in mine.

Bring me to that turning
Help me touch the quiet
Help me to embrace your simple gifts
Of love and delight
Of connection and deep peace.

I quiet my soul
I turn and lean in just the tiniest bit
And find I am resting my head upon your chest
And feel you wrap your holy spirit ’round me
This … this is home.

Thank you.
Amen.

[photo by Kate Ter Haar per cc 2.0]

 

Remembering grace

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back fenceHello
Do you remember me?
I used to come to talk to you most every day,
Leaning across the back fence of your mind,
Picking at the splinters in the rail,
Looking up at the clouds with a cocked eye,
Wondering with you about the rain.

Do you remember
The sweet release of walking across campus on a spring day
When the sun was intense and the breeze cool?
When the sheer joy of being engaged in a project worth doing
Hung playfully in the air
And the energy of shared purpose kept us fully engaged?

Do you remember
When movement felt good?
When arms swinging, backpack singing, legs reaching,
Were part of the joy of the journey?
When the caress of walking through waist-high wildflowers
And their gentle, moist presence
Brought a soul-deep green into your day?

Do you remember
The sleeping child upon your lap
Whose unconscious move to snuggle deeper into comfort
Was also a deep comfort to you?
When the flash of curious question in their eyes
Fed your soul with wonder?
When spontaneous smiles erupted for bugs and stones and anything fuzzy?

Do you remember
The comfort of sitting quietly together
Watching the sunset?
When the palpable sense of belonging to each other
Made words redundant?
Do you remember the touch of love?

Do you remember me?
I still come to talk to you most every day,
I still pick at the fence and look at the clouds.

I do remember. Thank you.

I am grateful, today, for the call to remember the richness of my life.
I am grateful for these whispered memories
For each small glimpse of wonder and connection.
They feed my soul with grace, again,
Just as they did before.

[photo by Bunches and Bits {Karina} per cc 2.0]

 

Thinking Critically about Critical Thinking

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reflective moment(Originally developed for Incoming Honors Students at UNT circa 2007)

As you engage with other members of the university community in the vital conversations that make the university an engine of change, I predict that you will encounter a temptation. The temptation is particularly keen in universities because part of the process of education is to engage in critical thinking. You learn not to take everything at face value. You learn to question and look for motives, patterns, misperceptions and errors. You learn to think beyond the obvious.

Yet, I believe there is a very real difference between critical thinking and being critical. When you make that subtle shift from analysis to negativity you set yourself up for the temptation of cynicism.

A cynic is one who takes the view that things are unalterably negative and that only a naïve fool would think differently. A cynic’s goal is to be the first one to find the fatal flaw. And cynicism has its advantages. You can be thought of as brilliant without having to invest in finding solutions. If you go ahead and write off the possibilities you can avoid a lot of effort and forego the risk of failure. After all, cynicism makes it seem wise to stop trying.

That’s why, in the end, cynicism is a poison to progress.

So, is that the choice: naïveté or cynicism? Of course not. We do not have to neglect careful scrutiny and in-depth analysis to avoid cynicism. What we have to avoid is tuning our lenses to see only the negative. We can look for the resonance as well as the dissonance.  And if dissonance is found, if a problem has been identified, we must commit ourselves to go the next step, to finding its hidden lessons.

Analysis, after all, can help us see connections as well as disjunctions. When we identify motives, we can find ways to build alliances. The more you examine the underlying structures, the better you can make them work. You see, the world is intimately interconnected and the more you can trace the connections, the more you see how your work is a part of the whole.

Perhaps what I am advocating is a mode of critical thinking with an optimistic flair, one that looks for patterns that work. Perhaps I’m just encouraging you not to stop half-way in the critical thinking process. I’m encouraging you to take it all the way to its creative possibilities. Otherwise you shortchange your education, you shortchange yourself, and you shortchange the future we are creating together.

[photo by João Pedro Nogueira per cc 2.0]