The first breath of this new day eases out before I wake – grace dusts my pillow.
[photo ‘ana’ by Paulo Magalhães per cc 2.0]
Sleepy grace
Quiet Hope
insights, quandaries, questions – shared among friends
The first breath of this new day eases out before I wake – grace dusts my pillow.
[photo ‘ana’ by Paulo Magalhães per cc 2.0]
Gorgeous, Celia! You may have intended it as just a short verse, but it’s exquisite as a haiku, either a one-liner or rearranged as a 3-liner! Wow!
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High complement, coming from you. Thanks. Could you show me how you’d put it in three lines? I’m still at the stage that I’m trying to live within the 5 7 5 frame, to get the discipline and rhythms working in my favor.
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I would be glad to! You’ve already done the hard work! All that remains for me to do is little more than whack, whack, whack a teeny bit!
The first breath of this new day
eases out before I wake –
grace dusts my pillow.
Although the syllable count weighs in at a hefty 19, the 7-7-5 form is increasingly popular in English-language haiku.
Note that the following 5-7-5 version just doesn’t quite capture the mood of the original (IMHO):and all because of the first line.
The new day’s first breath
eases out before I wake —
grace dusts my pillow
How much better to let “The first breath of this new day” actually be FIRST and let “this new day” follow along at the last. Do we not have to take our first breath BEFORE it is possible to experience the new day?!
In the 5-7-5 version (Admittedly, other 5-7-5 versions are possible) the emphasis seems to fall on “the new day”…not what we want! Secondly, my 5-7-5 could be misread as “the breath” of the new day. Again, not what we want!
Finally, the DESIRABLE ambiguity of the original allows reader involvement so that the reader is MORE than just a reader but is actively involved in the creative process…actor not spectator!
Any questions?! *grin*
Ron
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